A Beautiful Death - Part 3

My Daddy died at 5:00am on Thursday, September 20, 2012.

My last kiss as a single woman. Daddy giving away his girl to her prince.
December 8, 2001

Continued from Part 1, & Part 2

September 7, 2012 - 3:00 pm

I had just walked into my Daddy's CICU room at Cedars Sinai, in LA. The sight was not as scary as I expected. I have a medical background and understood most of the functions of the hundreds of lines, tubes, and monitors attached to him. The things I did not understand, the nurse graciously explained. When the doctors talked and asked questions, I was damn well going to know what I was hearing, as well as be able to ask the right questions. My Mom and I were his advocates. Nothing was more important.

I remember vividly how small he looked in that big bed. The strong, funny, vibrant man I had loved all my life was now almost lifeless. After pacing the room for several minutes, inspecting every line, every wire, every tube, I sat down and took his hand in mine. It was one of the most difficult moments of my life but one of enormous gratitude as well. I was there with his hand in mine and he was alive.

My Daddy's strong, kind, hardworking hand

It was so difficult to leave the hospital that night. I had just gotten there and had only spent several hours with him. He was heavily sedated and the nurses assured me that he could hear me. That was tough for me to believe. His eyes were closed. Not even an eyelid fluttered. His hands didn't move at all on their own. I had to curl his fingers around mine. The notion that he could hear me when he couldn't even move a finger was unlikely to me. I wanted so badly to sleep in the recliner next to his bed. However, I knew that my Mom and I needed a good meal, several cocktails, and some rest. So, we did all of those things.
My heart and thoughts stayed with him.

September 8, 2012

After a fitful night of tossing and turning, it was time to get back to him. Starbucks were everywhere, even in the hospital itself. I swear the hundreds of lattes I consumed kept me upright. I was being pulled between exhaustion and sleep like taffy. Never completely on one side or the other. Just stretched to the limit and slightly sideways.
This was an important day. We were due to meet the heart surgeon who would hopefully be performing the valve replacement surgery. This guy is a pretty big deal and I was nervous and worried that I would flounder as my Daddy's advocate. Surely I would be absolutely intimidated by being in the presence of this man. I had done my research before arriving in LA. This is a man who routinely performs true miracles. He saves MANY lives and is one of the very elite in his field. He has developed techniques that no other surgeon would ever attempt. He is a one of a kind, heart healing genius....who would be trying to save my Daddy. We had won the heart surgeon lottery. He would arrive in 5 minutes.
Perfect. I have started sweating profusely.

His confident but unhurried stride into the room put me at ease immediately. I stood and our eyes met. He shook my hand firmly then patted the top of it with his other hand. His eyes were so kind, so unassuming. My preconceived notion of this man was way off. He was the polar opposite of any expectation I had.
He wore black Levi's, a polo shirt, and sneakers. 4 phones but no white coat, no expensive suit, no ego...just a down to earth, exceptionally kind man whose passion in life was to save as many little girls Daddy's as possible. Well lives of course but, this is my story. ;)
He explained my Daddy's condition in great detail without a hint of condescension or unintelligible medical speak. He asked us if we had any questions and of course we had a list. He listened intently and answered every question with patience and compassion. To say that I was impressed with this man would be hardly enough. He is without a doubt one of the best people I have and will ever meet. God bless this amazing man.
He had explained that the buildup of calcifications in my Daddy's aortic valve was his greatest risk and something needed to be done immediately or he would arrest and die. There was great risk involved with this procedure. Microscopic pieces that are invisible to the doctor can travel up and cause brain damage.
He would die without the surgery. If he still had a chance, we weren't giving up on him. Not yet.
My Mom signed the consent form and the surgery was scheduled for the following morning. 8:00am on a Sunday. This man was truly an angel.

Later, in my Daddy's room, his eyes slowly opened. The nurse said."You guys, he's up! Come here!!" My heart nearly leapt out of my chest. There they were. Eyes as blue as the sky...looking very slowly back and forth from my Mom to me. I took hold of his hand. I leaned close to him and said,"Daddy, I am here with you and Mom. I am taking care of her so you don't need to worry. I love you so much. More than any little girl ever loved her Daddy. I am so proud of you. Oh how I love you Daddy." I smoothed his hair, kissed him all over his cheeks and forehead. He ever so slightly squeezed my hand and stroked my fingers with his thumb. A jolt went through me. He heard me. He understood me. He answered me. I asked him if he would like me to guess what he is thinking. Slow eye blink - yes.
"You adore me, your sweetpea, you are scared, you are glad I am here, and you want the hell out of this place." Slow blink....slight hand squeeze. I got it all right on my first try.

Turns out we were pretty good at this wordless dance we would continue until the end. It was beautiful. Just by a look, we knew what each thought and felt. I felt his love bore through my soul, the way he looked at me. No facial expression, just his eyes. It was one of the most beautiful moments of my life.
I slept next to him that night. Surgery tomorrow morning. I fell asleep with his hand in mine, praying to God to save my Daddy...please please please just save him.

Phantom of the Opera - 1999

Part 4 to come....