A Beautiful Death, Part 1

My Daddy died at 5:00am on Thursday, September 20, 2012.

December 8, 2001

I thought that these were the most difficult two weeks of my life. Then I had to learn to live without him. No hugs, no kisses, no calls, no jokes, no advice, no more words of love. The man I loved all my life, now ashes on my mantle. All of a sudden, reality was too cruel to be real.
This is our story. His death has turned my insides into dark knots that threaten never to let go. I know that time heals but that's hard to accept in the depths of grief. Death has also shown me unexpected beauty. These beautiful moments I speak of are what truly get me through one day to the next.
Fear, acceptance, death, all laced with deep love between a Daddy and his little girl. A death both heartbreaking and beautiful, all at the same time.

September 4, 2012 - 7:45am

I woke that morning thinking of my Daddy. I knew he had some critical tests scheduled in LA that day. The results of these tests would tell us how much longer we would have, on earth, with him. He was hoping to qualify for a clinical trial that could mean 5-7 more years with him...if all went perfectly.
I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach. Butterflies mixed with frogs bouncing around violently. I just KNEW I had to call him. I'd catch him in the Towncar they had hired for the day and I would get to hear his voice. He wasn't ever fond of the telephone but had gotten better in the last few years.
"Hey, sweetie!", I hear on the other end of the line. Smiling, I told him that I wouldn't keep him on the phone long. "I just want to wish you luck today. I want you to know that I am there with you, in your heart. I love you so much and I will be thinking of you every minute today. I love you Daddy...be brave, as only you can. I will call you tomorrow morning." "I love you too baby. Thank you for calling me but we are almost to the hospital. I adore you. Bye bye." Those were the last words I would ever hear my Daddy speak.

After a 3 hour CT scan, my Mom took him to lunch. He didn't look good and didn't have an appetite. He just had a short echo cardiogram scheduled after lunch and he would be able to go home. When they did the echo, he was rushed to the ER. He had been having arrhythmia's and small heart attacks all day. He was going to be admitted and would not return home any time soon. Just as they were about to finally transfer him to a room in the Cardiac ICU, he crashed....coded...no pulse. With no regard to the DNR, he was shocked twice, stabilized with drugs, intubated, and transferred to the CICU. He was barely alive.

Right before they sedated and intubated him, he said to my Mom, "please call Tiff...its time for her to come."
He had NEVER said that before. He always insisted he was fine and wanted me home safe with my babies and husband.

September 5, 2012 - 6:15am

Cell phone ringing in my dream. I wish it would shut up. Oh wait, it's my phone. Who is calling me SO early?!!! "Tiff, its Mom. You need to come out here, now. Your Dad's in bad shape and has asked for you."

Everything stationary in my life began spinning violently. I had boarded the death rollercoaster and had no idea what was in store for me. All I knew is that I had to get there...fast. The panic began to set in.


-Part 2 tomorrow.