Imagining life without you was not something I was ever capable of. That is, until I had to do it. The denial and disbelief lasted quite some time. I would pick up the phone regularly, just to tell you something funny. Some nights, as I drifted off to sleep, I would swear I felt your arms around me. I am still so grateful for the comfort that brought me. I caught glimpses of you across the room, at the edge of the park, at the foot of my bed at night. I would have ordinarily chalked it up to my overactive imagination....but I FELT you. I actually felt you with me, watching over me, as if you were absorbing my painful grief like a sponge. Those are moments I will carry with me for the rest of my life. I wished every single day that I would feel you again. Three months after your passing, you were gone. I haven't felt you again. At first I was crushed, almost panicked. The profound loss seemed tolerable, when I could feel the comfort from you, enveloping me. Then something clicked inside of me. All of a sudden I understood.
It was time for me to go on, to learn how to live without you. To my mourning heart, this task seemed insurmountable.
You will be quite pleased to know that once again, you were right. First hour by hour, day by day, month by month, I struggled to get through the day with dry eyes. Then the pain evolved into something else. My tears were no longer mourning the loss of your body on earth, but turned to tears of joy brought by beautiful memories of our life together. Remembering is still painful at times. However, I have found that the love we shared shines a light over me that grief cannot dim.
Love conquers all.....even death.
|Phantom of the Opera|
Your ashes rest on my mantle. I have spent the last year trying to decide what would be best for all of us. Some days, I feel serenity in knowing that your earthly body remains with me. I also often think that you would like to be taken to places that I think we would have found meaningful, together. I have come to the realization that accepting your death means letting go.....ashes and all.
Today, with your son in law and grandchildren, we will take part of you to our favorite lake, where we spent much of the summer. It is a place that reminds me of you the minute I see it. Reminiscent of our weekend trips to the lake when I was just a little girl. Part of you will be there forever. I am giving myself the gift of having a place to go when I need to talk to you, feel close to you. The ashes on the mantle just seem very sad.
I plan on taking part of you somewhere special each year, on this day. My heart tells me you would like that very much. Of course, some of your ashes with remain with me until the day I join you.
There are so many things to say, Daddy. My heart will never be completely whole without you. But, the moments of sorrow are far less than the feelings of everlasting love and gratitude I feel for you.
So many times I wonder if I thanked you enough, for being the man that you were. I would like to mention a few.
|Had to stop for a kiss <3|
Thank you Daddy, for.......
- Being my hero, my first love
- Giving me hope, even in the most dire circumstances
- Being fair, ALWAYS
- Working so hard to provide such a comfortable life for our family. You are the hardest working man I have ever met
- Keeping me alive, as a preemie under two lbs., even when the doctor told you I would die within days. YOU saved me
- Always making sure I was never cold, hungry, or without a comfortable home
- Singing my favorite lullaby, no matter how old I was
- Rides on the moped after dinner
- Teaching me to fish
- Showing up at a Pep Rally in High School, in the middle of a workday, just to surprise me. You had never seen me cheer or dance. You had tears in your eyes when you hugged me afterwards, I will NEVER forget that day
- Teaching me honesty, integrity, and how to find humor in just about every situation
- Being able to fix ANYTHING
- Giving me away to my incredible husband, at our wedding. I know that day was bittersweet for you. I will never forget the look on your face, or the tears in your eyes, as I danced with my new husband. You were so proud of the young woman I had become. Nothing could have meant more to me
- Loving your Grandbabies. I see you in them every single day, That is truly an enormous gift. To look into Olivia's sky blue eyes, I see you. It never ceases to amaze me
- Adoring me, your sweetpea, with all of your heart and soul. I will never know another love like yours
|My very favorite childhood memory. Moped rides after dinner|
The loss with be ever present, Daddy. Each year that passes will make the pain a bit less.
Grief is a rollercoaster and sadly, I have been quite unsuccessful at finding a manual. ;)
I AM certain of one thing. Love is more powerful than anything else. It transcends time, space, even death. My lips will not kiss you, I won't be held in your arms again.
I am finally ok with that.
I am finally ok with that.
Your love runs through my veins and is ever present. That is the greatest gift of all.
I will leave you with this, Daddy. Our song.
I will watch carefully for the butterflies you will surely send my way today.
I love you........forever.